I usually tend to keep my emotions in check. People who know me know that it generally takes a lot for me to be vulnerable.
I don't cry often.
It takes a lot for me to get angry.
I tend to bottle a large sum of my emotions up, packed tightly in a corner, to make more room for others. I know, I know...classic enneagram 2 energy.
Sometimes I like to think I've grown more, evolved further, than I have. I like to think that it's noble to make room for others and not focusing on my own emotions is selfless. And while it is quite noble to make room in your life for others, it is a poisoned sword if it comes at the expense of not paying any attention to your own heart, thoughts and feelings.
I used to think--scratch that...in regards to me..I still do think...--that your strength could be measured in part by how much weight was packed and stacked into the boxes of your heart that you successfully managed to avoid leaking, shrieking and feeling.
How hecking insane is that thought...?
That the more stuffed in feelings you can stand on...the more successful you are at managing your own emotions..?!
It's preposterous to think this is how we grow, how we evolve and how we become more emotionally intelligent and aware.
And yet still in this time in my life where I can so easily help others not indulge in the same vice grip I have against sharing my own feelings...
I still fight the urge to cry,
I still wait to fall apart until the people who have hurt me are out of sight,
& I still swiftly shut my heart to keep my emotional 'outbursts' to a minimum
time lapse.
Why though? Why is this my knee-jerk reaction?
The immediate answers that come to mind culminate in my fear of being vulnerable and not being accepted in the critical state of bearing a new side of myself to a human capable of rejecting the gift that is me.
This happens in small ways when we say a joke or share a video we find utterly hilarious...and no one laughs, or share a song we love that really speaks to us...that no one vibes to. In deeper places in our hearts, this intensifies when we open up to someone about our past, or something that a person did that hurt us, and we are not received the way we hoped.
I think the reason a lot of us stray away from vulnerability is because we're either:
a.) afraid to see someone walk away from us, leaving us more vulnerable than before
or,
b.) we don't want someone to stay around just because we're being vulnerable and they feel compelled to stick around to see the charity case through.
I've been petrified of showing how I'm feeling and it being 'too much,' or 'not what someone ordered,' walking away leaving me feeling like a burden. Or someone viewing me like some project they feel like they have to monitor until stability is achieved...and then leave patting themselves on the back for sticking it through.
I've been on both ends of these but in reality: neither is a way to live and neither will cause us to thrive.
We can't constantly live in fear that we won't be accepted, afraid to share our hearts with people.
We also cannot live in fear that people will only stay around to soothe us...and then leave us.
This is a prime reason why some people can't begin to understand having confidence in someone like God. Why should we? If humans are as fickle as toddlers deciding what toy to entertain...why would God be any better?
I think it's really important to remember the constancy, consistency and present nature of our God.
Part of me doesn't want to share my feelings, or look vulnerable, or share my emotions too much because then...
Maybe I won't be looked at like a strong woman who can handle when other people have
a crisis.
Maybe then I won't be who people run to when they need stability or a supporter.
Maybe then I won't be the advice-giver, or favor-granter, or task-completer:
...and maybe that's okay.
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