This year, I found myself making a commitment to a resolution the
Lord has been beckoning me to for...what feels like eons: time daily with Him, face. to. face.
He gently, but with that persistent conviction, called out to my heart to find Him in the Eucharist at Mass, or spend time with His Sacred Presence in the Adoration chapel, or both. He was also verrrrrry careful to say, "My sweet little daughter...Mass, or chapel time, or both, but never neither. Run to me, Daughter."
Touché Jesus.
A few weeks ago, I was involved in an unfortunate accident that led to a lot more questions than answers, more problems than solutions and more dental procedures than I can count. (Tangent...did you know they have a literal gagillion different devices to take X-rays on? Modern day technology man...)
This accident left me contemplating a few things quite deeply.
Top of the list? Siri, remind me not to pray for humility again any time soon.
I had a lot of time to sit and think between the pounding headache that accompanied such a gnarly concussion. The Lord's voice tried to permeate through all the fuzziness, the haze, the noise of doctors appointments and the ego gut punch that came with my appearance post accident. The enemy's voice began to ring out loud and clear here. Demanding my isolation as a victory to this unfortunate string of events. Filling my heart and soul with lie after lie that I was not beautiful, or would always be seen differently or that I would never match what I had looked like before and even that I was unlovable because of this.
All I wanted for the past month after my accident was to restore what I looked like before. So, today, I got a replacement tooth for my front tooth that had to be surgically extracted from my face. (note I say face...because that sucker was pushed all the way up by my sinus cavity) I've spend the last month praying and waiting for something to fill the space. And today, when I finally received something to fill the chasm, the enemy IMMEDIATELY crushed my little heart. I was elated walking to my car, tears were welling up and the thought of being able to actually smile (Christmas 2022 photographs.. you will not be missed...) and not see a vacancy or a void or a reminder of this incident. But, the moment I encountered true joy and gratitude, the enemy was on the hunt to scorch and destroy.
I smiled in my rearview mirror and was immediately drawn to all of the flaws, the imperfections, the way it doesn't fit quiiiiiite like a tooth should and the way that it feels in my mouth was less than ideal...people will still know, ask, judge or stare. All of this time spent waiting to be left unsatisfied.
Simply...hold the phones.
Have I lost sight of all the amazing graces He worked together for my good (Romans 8:28) to even get me here in the first place?
The lengths He went to in order to preserve me from much more serious injuries?
The precision of His hand to guide the specific spot of what went through my
windshield, knowing if it had been even an inch or two closer to me, I may not
even be here, able to write this at all.
My oral surgeon was a true gift from God.
He fit me into his schedule when there was no hope (thank you to Our
Lady who now should have a pending title for Patronness of Oral
Surgery after THIS miracle on the feast of the Immaculate Conception!)
This sweet surgeon made it possible for me to heal and treated me
like the daughter I am, caring for me as a Beloved, just as I
deserve.
He referred me to this incredible dentist who
MADE. ME. A. TOOTH.
Did you even KNOW they 3-D printed those suckers?! I mean...
All the while, the enemy has me skirting past all of these graces...for what?
To wallow in pity?
To allow this enemy to steal my joy?
To have immediate amnesia of His Grace + Mercy that allowed this?
Not today, Satan. No sir-ree. My joy will not be stolen by the father of lies.
My joy is in the Lord.
My hope flows from His sacrifice.
My faith dwells in His Sacred Heart.
Even this long awaited temporary tooth before yet another dental procedure in a few months, though filling a void in my mouth, was never meant to satisfy me. It could never fill the void that the Lord is able to in each moment. This incident, though very drastic and kin to Paul getting booted off the horse, has brought me into a further reception of His Grace, it has allowed me to receive deeply from my community, and has drawn me into the depths of His Heart to heal.
This process of claiming my joy, my graces, my gifts, + my every encounter with the Lord is a process I have been yearning to begin for some time:
the process of restoration.
As I creep back in to sharing my heart, my experience, my encounters and what I perceive Him whispering to me through this platform I love so dearly, I want to begin unpacking all of the ways that He is restoring me this year in 2023.
The process of restoration has begun, dear friends.
Let's invoke His name and claim our joy through His radical Generosity today.
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