Sitting in Mass on the 1st of the year I had about 526 words circling around in my
head for what my word of the year was going to be.
I wrestled with:
connect
vulnerable
gradual
forgiveness
expand
healing
...and nothing was doing it. (also Abiding Together had not yet dropped their annual WOTY pod for more ideas for me to wade through...)
But in my parish, on a Sunday evening, listening to a stellar homily from Fr. Andrew Merrick, it struck me instantly:
R E S T O R E.
Yep. That's it.
If you're a super sleuther, maybe you picked that up from my last post, "the process of restoration." (little easter egg in there for the real ones)
When I heard the word, my mind instantly raced to all the spaces that I need the Lord's gentle, but redeeming touch to restore.
Physically, post wreck, I needed the Lord to restore my injuries, my remaining procedures and my overall health.
Mentally, after a gnarly concussion and a lot of time to sit, think and ruminate, I needed the Lord to restore a sense of peace within the inner workings of my mind, my memory and my insane capacity to overthink and overanalyze.
Spiritually, I needed the Lord to restore my necessity for daily prayer. Daily time with Him in the Eucharist. Meeting Him in the Mass. Scheduling date nights. Letting myself be seen and healed by Him instead of trying to earn this right to redemption through my job, my active prayer in ministry or my incessant deeds to 'merit' His Love.
Financially, as the bills began to pour in after my hospital stay, surgery, procedures and appointments, I was growing anxious in the fear that I would be unable to get through them all.
Even amidst all of these sectors in my life in extreme need of the Lord's restoring gaze, yet another area was sincerely aching for His aid.
Emotionally, I desperately needed the Lord to restore my heart. After an elongated break up, I was left wondering if I truly was able to be pursued and seen as I desired. The enemy tempted me with excessive thoughts about how I was not good enough, how I didn't measure up and persistently screaming that I was never really loved.
Wading through all of these lies, the wounds that burdened my weary heart and the hope of moving into a zone of forgiveness and peace seemed impossible with the constant booming voice of the enemy stealing my tranquility and inciting a rebellion between
a.) the Truth of my identity as a Beloved daughter
and
b.) the image of myself the enemy berated me with in his constant plea to distract me from the Father's gaze:
"You are too much..and yet...somehow...you're still also not enough."
On the 1st of the year, in brisk January 2023, I plopped down in the chapel, ready to have a word with the Lord, set my hopes for the new year, and simply let Jesus love on me in the safe spaced I've nestled myself in time after time in my home parish chapel on Marquette Ave.
As I opened my thin, brown leather journal I take everywhere, I opened directly to the entry I penned during the weekend of the aforementioned breakup. I was briefly stunned...the feeling immediately following this sensation was steadily growing into an annoyance my heart felt quite palpably.
"This is my time with the Lord...why is this coming up again???"
My annoyance moved to curiosity as I read through the entry of how I was feeling over 9mo prior. I questioned if I should even re-read the passage, but I reluctantly sifted through the pages anyway. As I read the paragraphs detailing my feelings, my hurt and the questions that plagued my heart afterwards, I began to realize the purpose of opening to this specific page.
There were so many places in this entry that yearned for redemption and restoration. So many places where I was still holding on to hurt and allowing my peace to be quaked by these lies from the enemy.
I felt an influx of tears as I began to pray very honestly in the Lord's Presence a host of questions swirling in my head + heart:
How many times have I been the source of someone's hurt?
An impediment to their peace?
An obstacle in their serene time with the Lord?
Has my pride and inability to forgive prevented me from seeing + receiving the Mercy He desires to dole out onto my little heart?
As I gazed deeply into our Saviors eyes in the monstrance, I unleashed all of these worries that were tormenting my ability to sustain peace.
The Lord's response?
Let Me h e a l.
Let Me r e d e e m.
Let Me e m b r a c e.
Let Me r e s t o r e.
Where is the Lord calling you to restoration?
How is He beckoning to your sweet little heart to allow Him in to redeem your wounds and restore your hurt with His gentle touch?
Let's invoke His name and claim our healing through His radical Mercy today.
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