We all probably know or have heard of the true definition of love:
"to will the good of the other."
The important notion of this phrase is the implicit understanding of what it means to do just this. To will the good of the other is pertinent in every action and aspect of our lives--even when it is hard.
We must choose to will the good of the other.
We must choose to love.
And at some point this choice will be hard, it may even seem daunting, but it will be all the more worth it when we realize the graces that abound when we pursue self-sacrificial love for the good of the other, our brethren.
For the most part, my daily tasks, my daily yeses and no's for FIAT didn't seem to require as much of my will power as it did my pride. I didn't want to majorly falter just one mere month in.
And I think this is the wrong motive.
Week 5 really tested where my will power lies. I think I failed at the heroic minute every day out of the week but once, which in turn resulted in me missing my only opportunity for daily mass 4 times over the course of that week. But, even if I only began going to daily mass for the shear reason of "completing" a vow I made to myself and the Lord through this 90-day self-retreat--the graces were no less raining down on me.
In my search for peace I have noticed that a lot of my unrest stems from not being daily rooted in the sacraments.
The constant reminder of the Lord's authentic and self-sacrificial love propels me in my day; it is something I need in order to not rely fully on myself as a 'doer' but simply rest as a 'being' in His Almighty Presence.
This rest can be hard to find. We may run to prayer to seek rest, but don't allow our minds and hearts and even physical bodies to truly calm down enough to enter in to the stillness.
Week 5 marked the end of the petition portion of our commitment to a 54-Day Rosary Novena. I sat on day 27 of petition, the last day of this asking before 27 days of thanksgiving, accompanied by a rosary, settling in to my now daily routine of reciting a rosary in expectant faith for two very important intentions. I was almost giddy with anticipation on how the Lord, who hadn't necessarily answered my prayers yet, was going to magically bestow upon me the answer I desired.
After all, it's called the Miraculous 54-Day Rosary Novena for a reason.
I was full of expectant hope in the Father to work.
But then the next day came, the first day of thanksgiving. And as a I finished praying my rosary, I began to say the closing prayer but halted as I realized I didn't mean the words I was about to say. The closing prayer for the Glorious Mysteries of the 1st day of thanksgiving goes as follows:
Sweet Mother Mary, I offer thee this Spiritual Communion to bind my bouquets in a wreath to place upon thy brow in thanksgiving for (specify request) which thou in thy love hast obtained for me.
To be totally honest: I was not in the mood to thank God and Mary for coming through on this intention I have been praying so fervently for months.
Then I felt more alone and like more things were piling up in this particular situation in my life than being relieved--which felt like the opposite of what this prayer and novena and surrendering of my situations to the Lord were supposed to be doing.
How could I be thankful for something that is still plaguing my heart, Lord?
And then the words of St. Josephine Bakhita rang in my ear. Upon being asked what she would do if she met her captors or enslavers she responded:
I would kiss their hands for it is because of those wounds that I am Christian.
It is in those wounds that I met Christ.
"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul." --Psalm 94:19
I sit here reflecting exactly a month later, now on week 9 of fiat, thanking God for allowing me to experience this 54-day Rosary Novena in the way He did. He was moving all along, and I can feel it.
Are my prayers answered?
Not necessarily in the way I would think is fruitful, because, to be totally honest, not much has outwardly changed, but I am filled with awe and wonder at the task I have completed.
A novena of this length intimidated me at the thought of it, but it was so much easier to be faithful to it than I originally thought. Even though some days I rambled through my rosary half asleep, this rosary, this task I was most concerned about, has been the only thing I haven't faltered on during this 90-day journey.
And I think that speaks volumes.
This is how I know Mary, our Gracious Mother, is accompanying me on this journey. She has granted me graces through the power of Our Lord to grant me immense perseverance, courage and dedication to my daily fiats.
Have I failed at other things on our list of commitments? ABSOLUTELY. Pretty sure I "fail" on at least 2 things a day.
But I don't really count these as failures or lost avenues to acquire grace.
These are roads that will lead to my sanctification purely for intention, not for completion.
My sanctification is not measured by how much I do as Saint Mother Theresa reminds us, but in how much love I put into doing it.
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