Yesterday, I was having coffee with a super close and holy friend of mine, Maris. One of the best things about Maris is that when something comes up in prayer and I either don't know how to take it or have no idea what it means, or I am just downright confused, Maris always has insight on it. The Lord speaks to us in very similar ways and usually something will be stalking one of us, like the Good Shepherd image of Jesus, and either begins stalking the other one, or has already been coming up in prayer.
When Maris and I share our prayer or our hearts with one another, the receiver of that gift is always wide-eyed and interjecting with, "No way...," "Me too...," "Are you serious...," "Wait, same...," and even adding on to visions or things we've seen in our imaginative prayer lives that almost seem like two halves of a picture that make a more complete image when shared and fused together.
And yesterday was no exception.
Yesterday, Maris and I shared about a vision we saw in prayer that was literally identical. The theme of this image was less than jolly because we tackled a very real fear that maims and paralyzes a lot of our brothers and sisters, including each of us, from being able to fully surrender and come alive.
I think for a lot of us, the fear of commitment is real because we are afraid of being trapped in the space we choose.
At a woman's group I'm a part of, we were recently discussing how the Lord blesses our choices. While that sounds amazing, that the Creator of the universe is down to bless whatever jank decision I happen to make on that day, as long as it's all within the Church and in good conscience, that just didn't sit right with me.
"I don't want Him to bless my choices," I thought, "I want to discern His will, so it's already the most blessed path to my sanctification."
I think we have all felt this way at some point.
Wouldn't it be better, easier and more gratifying for the Kingdom if the Lord gave us the floodlights to our whole discernment path instead of these small little flashlight lit steps to take, knowing very well we might not even follow that one lit step because we are afraid of being trapped by whatever comes after the step we can't see.
Sometimes we feel trapped in a room with no handle.
Maris and I began to share this image of a facility with tons of rooms, both sharing our fear of being trapped in whatever room we chose. Now most of these rooms had an entrance door, and directly across the room form that door, was another door that led to other rooms, hallways, avenues, etc. However, there were some rooms that only possessed the entrance door and nothing else. Frankly, this door scared the crap out of me, because in my prayer this is the room I landed in for a decision I was contemplating and discerning.
The scariest part of this room was not only was that there was one door, but when I turned around, the door had no handle to exit the room. I felt trapped from getting to another room because I was stuck in this room with no door handle, presumably because the Lord was trying to figure out how the heck to 'bless' another one of my human decisions that was not directly in line with what He originally intended.
But, this is not the case.
As Maris and I were talking my face lit up and my jaw dropped. "What, what what?!," she was exclaiming.
I had an epiphany in that moment.
What if the door has no handle because it's a swinging door that all I have to do is push, and I'm back in the original hallway?
Why did I immediately feel trapped not seeing another door right in front of me?
Am I afraid of regretting decisions I've made, and in my pride I don't want to turn back and ask for help, or even run to the Lord?
All it takes to leave this room is a gentle push of the door...
So then why am I scared still to even go into this room?
I think if I'm being honest with myself, I'm terrified at times of choosing things myself because I don't feel like I'm worthy or even simply adequate enough to make choices that involve my path to sanctification and sainthood.
How can the Savior of the world trust me to make these decisions when He knows the decisions I've made in the past have been the very nails drilled into His hands and feet, and even the very spear thrust in His side?
The answer to this is very simple:
Love.
Fr. Andrew Merrick spoke about this recently in his Sunday homily regarding free will. Without free will, love cannot exist because in order for love to exist, one has to be able to choose it. And the consequence of being able to choose love, unfortunately, is being able to choose against love.
The Lord does not desire for us to feel trapped in our decisions or anxious about the future. Saint Pope John Paul II (what a solid man.) says the following about our anxiety of the future,
"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step our fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."
Ultimately, all the Lord asks of us is our trust, our faith, and our confidence in Him as Lord.
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